[grin]
Wednesday, July 31, 2002
12:54 p.m.

Thanks everyone. I couldn't have asked for better friends.

This is it
Tuesday, July 30, 2002
02:32 p.m.

I have agonized over this decision for some time now. Sometimes there is no easy way to say something except to just come out and say it.

The link does just that.

This is a link to something that I have to say. I feel it needs, on many levels, to be said. It is rather lengthy, otherwise I would have just posted it as an entry.

I am apprehensive in posting it to begin with, I don't know how the reactions will be.

Because, you see, with this link I'm revealing some information about myself that will certainly open me up for flames, ridicule, anger, derision, misunderstandings, confusion.

How do I know this? It's happened to me before.

Although this is very very hard for me, it is -that- important to me to say.

My writing is moving in new and different directions. I receive my inspiration from many sources.

My poetry though, my erotic poetry most specifically, comes from One source. I felt my friends need to know where I'm coming from. Or maybe I'm arrogant to think people would care.

In any case, keeping this in the background of my life is no longer an option. I won't let it stay there.

Yes, I'm being deliberately vague. The link should make things a little clearer. At least, that is my hope.

The Link

I would ask my friends to talk to me before making any snap judgments or allowing any confusion to color your perceptions of what it is I'm trying to do here. Don't take anything I've said out of context. Talk to me.

Heat heat heat
Monday, July 29, 2002
03:00 p.m.

Normally, I have little problem with the heat. At least until I have to play bocce outside in 103 degree heat index heat. Then it becomes a problem.

So, you guessed it, no bocce make up game today. Most likely won't be one tomorrow either.

*~*~*~*~*

Drew is back from his whirlwind business trip from last week, but he is so tired. He says that it's only because the trip took him to three different cities in three days. I sure hope so.

*~*~*~*~*

I've picked out more stuff to post on ff.net. Going full steam. I don't think I'm putting everything I've done up, but I would like to get some things put up. [laughs] I've been told I'm a feedback whore.

That really isn't the reason I'm putting my stuff up at ff.net. I do like to know that what I write is being read. Which is why it is going to ff.net. So I guess maybe I am. [grins] I've been called worse.

I rewrote my introduction for ff.net. And it will get changed again once I have someone read a part that I want to post. But it is kind of sensitive and I want to make sure it is perfect before I post it for the entire world to see. It will sort of be another coming out for me. Don't want to screw it up.

It's hard not to go into rant mode regarding poetry. I get so tired of seeing misunderstandings and misconceptions. Hope I didn't go over the top with the intro. Although I do intend to modify a rant I've posted to my poetry site and will post it to ff.net. I'm not sure where yet. We will see who picks up on it.

Yeah, pretty much the same.
Friday, July 26, 2002
10:58 a.m.

Pissy

Petulance, a trait that
Is not desirable, yet
Still finds its way
Somehow, into our attitudes
Yokefellow to sullenness

Still in a pretty pissy mood.

We couldn't play bocce this week. So the whole season is delayed in finishing by a week. I'm not complaining. I just hope it doesn't get too hot before we are done. I don't mind the heat, but even I have my limits.

Pissy moods ramble
Friday, July 26, 2002
05:34 a.m.

I'm in a pissy mood.

I went to bed in a pissy mood, I woke up in a pissy mood.

So pissy I have to wonder if any of this is worth the aggravation.

It's not like I can't handle criticism of my work (poetry or fiction). I can. I would like to hear it. Certainly more than, "hasn't someone else written something like this" implying plagiarism without coming out and saying it.

But what I absolutely cannot abide is some little yutz who seems to think they are "the shit" because they write poetry in high school and their teachers have been encouraging. That does not a poet make.

Not to say that my poetry is any great shakes. I just like to write it. I get a lot of satisfaction trying to write it.

My first feedback to something I posted to ff.net (my first mistake some might say) flies all over me. The work is Untitled. Go read it if you are so inclined. Because that is what I'll be ranting about.

Who the hell are the fucking teenagers with their all their "woe is me, my life is such a drama." Grow the fuck up. Most of them will never know the meaning of the word hell. And whether anyone believes this or not, I would hope they never do.

But do not make the assumption that the person you are responding to, hasn't. What seemed to be implied in this "reviewer"'s remarks is that I'm some fucking inexperienced new fuck. Just because I only stuck my foot in the ff.net water with 3 works, doesn't mean I don't have more, doesn't mean that I'm writing off the cuff and just allowing what ever drivel that drools out of my mouth and on to the keyboard to be posted for all the world to see.

What was implied in that one remark is that I didn't spend a great deal of time reviewing, editing, reading, editing, rewording, editing...Like I said in my response, experimentation is not the same as practice. I was experimenting with a new form.

If it sucks, just say so. Don't try to be clever and hide behind cryptic, sarcastic, vitriolic remarks. All that reviewer did is ensure that I will view anything he/she writes with the same sarcastic and extremely critical eye. And you can bet that I will read his/her stuff with a much more critical eye than I will read anyone else on ff.net (except the Haiku Police, which is another rant altogether and not even on my radar screen right now).

I did respond to one thing they did, "A Conversation with Nature". And I did respond sarcastically in the beginning. I'll probably regret that later. That seems to be a reoccuring theme in my life these days. Regretting things I've done.

In the end, most likely I will end up taking down what little I've put up on ff.net. Because in that one "review", I saw that I wasn't dealing with serious poets (even if they are young) but small weak egos who seem to feel threatened when their pond becomes smaller with another larger fish in it. (thanks for the analogy, bear)

Because the question is, in my quest to be supportive of other poets, share my work, do I even want to tangle up with people like that? Their holier than thou attitude really burned me. I was really fighting the urge to rip his/her haiku up. I may not be experienced at writing haiku (and poetry for that matter), but I've read a hell of a lot. And one thing that has been drilled over and over. Cut out extranous articles in your poetry. They clutter your language. Show don't tell. Too many a's, an's, the's, of's, for's etc, end up telling, not allowing your imagery to shine through.

This is especially true in haiku. And this reviewer's haiku isn't really haiku. It's not even really senryu. Not that I would begrude anyone writing haiku for at least making the attempt. But it is so much more than counting 5-7-5.

I know some of my haiku isn't really haiku, but just poems that count 5-7-5. At least I'm not so caught up in my arrogance not to see and acknowledge that.

But what do I know? I'm just a new fuck.

Quiz
Tuesday, July 23, 2002
03:29 p.m.

Oh, Takeo!
Find out what anime bad boy you are.

You're most like the vice president of the Magic Users Club.

You're the smooth Abaratsumo. You are much more level headed than Takakura. You're pretty cool headed, except when it comes to love. You become jealous very easily.

No idea who he is, but it fits, or so I've been told. [grin]

It's hot
Tuesday, July 23, 2002
01:04 p.m.

We were supposed to play bocce today, but it was just too hot for us. So it is cancelled. I'm kind of bummed about it, but I sure wasn't looking forward to playing in this heat. I would have had to have a shower after the game.

*~*~*~*~*

I'm trying to figure out how to get my writing momentum back. I seem to have lost it a bit. But I'm not too worried. I know it will come back.

*~*~*~*~*

I have had a huge breakthrough in my personal life and this realization has been the most liberating thing to date. It has managed to free me from the constraining bounds that were placed on me through my life.

I found out that I'm not alone in what I want. That I'm not a freak and I'm not really the monster I was painted to be. There are people who are accepting of the lines that I draw, and I accept theirs. That's all I have to say about that.

*~*~*~*~*

haiku toes
stumping along with effort
producing stars

None
Monday, July 22, 2002
08:59 a.m.

blank page
mocks my creative
impotence

Working for the Weekend!
Friday, July 19, 2002
10:10 a.m.

Which Final Fantasy Character Could YOU Be Having Sex With?
Find out now! Only from the Quiz Junkie

Oh yeah!

I've never played any of these games, but judging from the picture, I wouldn't toss him out of bed.

*~*~*~*~*

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the most computer savvy.

Most of the stuff I know I've picked up from people who have told me, or trial and error.

So you can guess I was relieved that I saved copies of all my pages from my bravenet.com, to a hard drive and a secondary disk.

Because, my primary disk ended up biting the dust. I would have been so pissed if I lost everything. I know it is on my site, but there are things on the disk that -aren't- on my site. I did have the forethought to save them to my harddrive, which gets burned to cd periodically. Paranoid? Me?

*~*~*~*~*

Wednesday night didn't see the last of celebrations for Drew's birthday. We are heading down to his folks for the weekend. To celebrate again.

They are some partying people. Any excuse to get together and eat and drink.

Of course, he is their son. I'm sure they would like to celebrate his birthday with him.

I was pleased that we weren't interrupted on Wednesday night and that I had him for myself. So I can do this. Besides, I really do like his parents.

Thanks everyone
Thursday, July 18, 2002
05:33 a.m.

My thanks to everyone who wished Drew a happy birthday. I appreciate it very much as did he.

The birthday went well. Dinner was relaxed. We didn't get too rambunctious before going out. When we got back, it was fireworks.

I made a decision that I have been wrestling with for sometime now and put it into action last night. It was very well received. I won't go into the details but it has the potential to take our relationship to the next level. So far, so good. He has wanted it for some time, and now I am ready for this step as well.

The whole day for us was good. Really good.

Happy Birthday Drew.
Wednesday, July 17, 2002
10:36 a.m.

Today is Drew's birthday. I can't afford to give him much. But what I have,
I give to him freely.

Title: Touch (in 100 words)

*~*~*~*~*

Familiar dance of flesh against slick flesh; our bodies move together as one.

Your palms slide over my fevered skin easily. Exploring, stroking, caressing,
proving they know me better than I know myself.

Your hands, your lips; doesn’t matter how, so long as you touch me.

Your very presence sears my soul. For you, I will gladly burn.

Because, I need you.

Need to feel you against me. Need to hear your whispered cries. Need to
hear you chant my name like a sacred prayer.

Need to know this isn’t a dream.

That you are mine.

And I am yours.

*~*~*~*~*

Happy Birthday, baby.