Sick
Tuesday, July 16, 2002
09:08 p.m.

A quick vent.

I am sick to-fucking-death of hypocrites!

Sick.

The subconscious is a heavy thing
Monday, July 15, 2002
09:56 a.m.

[whistles] Ooookay.

I was just fooling around writing poetry on my break when this sort of fell onto the page.

Only when
I almost lost
what meant the most to me,
did I realize how empty
I am

I was writing with nothing specific in mind.

And now I sit here looking at it, and I can't figure out where it came from or who or what it is in reference to.

Not sure how I feel about this.

Sunday night catchup
Sunday, July 14, 2002
06:53 p.m.

It's Sunday night and nothing is going on. I like it when it is quiet sometimes.

Drew has already gone home to get some rest for an early conference call in the morning, leaving me to my own devices. I guess I can't complain. I had him Friday, Saturday and all day today. We even went to go see a movie and to the bookstore. Picked up a couple of books. Clockwork Orange, some gay erotica [grins], got to have something to do during the week when Drew isn't here.

Ummm...and not so femmy guys go for my poetry too...

Just a test result
Saturday, July 13, 2002
09:24 a.m.

Stability. Strength. Warmth. Comfort.
Take the quiz.

A note and a ku
Friday, July 12, 2002
09:40 a.m.

When it comes to sex, I very seldon disagree with anyone. It's a "to each their own" kind of thing for me.

But, Ash I have to disagree with you about the poetry. (referencing entry on 7/11/2002)

Sure, there are "poets" out there who spend a great deal of time writing from the heart and splattering their angst all over the place. I would agree that sometimes it is difficult to read (to put it politely). The poet of things like that usually are more interested in showing their "depth of emotion" to their friends than they are at writing good poetry.

But we all have to start somewhere. We all have to work at our craft to do well. Just like any writing endeavor. Sometimes there are people who are more naturally adept at it than others.

Just as there are people who can write fiction and not go through the gut wrenching process that some of us seem to.

All we can do is try.

It takes more than tossing together a few words on a page and calling fiction or poetry or what have you.

But those readers who are also writers and who are interested in improvement can appreciated where you are, and where you are growing. And can tell whether you are also interested in improvement or are a wannabe throwing words down to impress everyone with how "deep my emotions roll beneath the surface of my impotent pain". Those make me tired.

I entertain grandiose ideas that someday my name will be recognized in haiku, but I'm not foolish. Still, I keep trying. I like the challenge.

[laughs] You don't have to threaten to eat me. I thought your poetry was quite nice. It evoked strong emotions and sympathy without beating it out of me. I don't think you are in danger of spiraling off into the gothic mists of heart rending over blown angst poetry. I hope to see more from you.

*~*~*~*~*

forest mist,
cottontail kit
has breakfast

*~*~*~*~*

Nothing exciting happening this weekend. Need to recover from my "Holiday in PA".

The Godfathers rule the bocce courts.
Thursday, July 11, 2002
01:15 p.m.

Oh yeah. We are number one, baby!

5 Wins, 1 loss.

Smokin'! So hot ... we sizzle!

*~*~*~*~*

Don't have anything else to report on. I'm just doing some "house cleaning" with my fiction. I finished another 100 word fic. They are such fun to write. I realize that my ficlets aren't poetry in motion or anything, there are authors out there much better at it than I could hope to be.

But still, I would hope that mine have something to offer, even if it's nothing more than just a chuckle in the middle of someone's day.

I have come to the realization that I'm just not a flowery prose kind of guy. Nuts and bolts, balls to the wall, guts and fury writing. I leave the elevation of writing to a spiritual experience, exploration of the emotional soul, to those much better suited to doing so.

Because it ain't me.

Saying thank you is hard
Tuesday, July 9, 2002
02:56 p.m.

Especially when you say it dozens of times. Posting thank you for feedback is grueling. At least it is for me. Or maybe I'm just not creative. But how many different ways can you say Thanks?

*~*~*~*~*

On a positive note. We won our bocce match today. The Godfathers rule. Or maybe we are just that competitive. If we can keep up our winning streak (4 wins 1 loss), we are a shoe-in for the semi finals. The competition will get fierce then. First prize for the winning team are $100 gift certificates to Macys. I sure could use some new jeans...

I was feeling pretty down earlier today, but my spirits picked up. I really enjoy playing bocce. A couple of guys asked why I didn't play softball this year, and to be honest, it doesn't appeal to me. I guess I could suck it up and play, and make an effort to get on with some of the shop guys. I played baseball in High School, so it's not like I would suck at it or anything (like I do in basketball). But frankly, I'm not interested. Let them do their machismo male posturing somewhere else. I have no desire to have a dick measuring contest with them. [laughs] Besides, I'd win hands down and where's the challenge in that?

I have other issues that I'm dealing with and I'd rather not complicate them any more than they already are.

*~*~*~*~*

There is talk around Drew's office that they may be transferring their offices to Atlanta. Other rumors say Orlando FL. Still others say Dallas. My rumor source says things are quiet right now and most likely will stay that way until the fiscal(?) year is over. I'm not real sure how I feel about it. But it is still just speculation and I'll deal with it IF it happens.

Back, safe and sound
Monday, July 8, 2002
10:54 a.m.

I'm back! Hope everyone had a good holiday weekend. I must have put on 5 pounds with all the food. I don't know where these ladies keep all this food hidden, but it seems like anytime they get together, it's a damn cook off! Luckily, we grilled out most of the time so the house stayed pretty cool.

And yes. There were pies. Cherry crumb, Apple Spice, Pecan, Key Lime, Coconut creme...yeah, I was bloated.

And something really good happened this weekend. Really good. Drew and I got a room to ourselves. Their "cabin" turned out to be a 6 room 2 1/2 bathroom house on a lake, with living quarters that are just huge and this fully tricked out basement with pool table, and video games and a bar. These people know how to party, let me tell you.

Back to the sleeping arrangements. Drew's dad pulled me aside and we had another "talk". He told me he was glad to see that Drew and I were sticking out this relationship even with its rough spots and it has brought me up a couple of notches in his estimation. And he said that he knows that Drew and I are sexually active adults and he appreciated our exercising restraint and showing respect for Drew's mother while at their house in South Jersey. And finally, he said he had talked it over with Drew's mother and she has given her okay for us to start sleeping in the same bed while visiting them, but he expects us to continue to be respectful and not abuse the priviledge.

Oh yeah baby, yeah!

In a way I find all this funny. I've never really had to deal with someone's parents before in this way. I pretty much came and went as I pleased and slept where I wanted. In fact, I never met Flynn's parents and I was with him 4 years. Drew is an adult and should be capable of making sound adult decisions. But still, its nice that he respects his parents enough not to shack up with every guy he brings home.

So, we were given a room to ourselves. In fact, each pair of adults got their own room. The kids made a big production out of "camping out" in the livingroom, and a couple of nights a couple of the older boys, Dusty and his friend Joe, went down by the lake and pitched a tent. I envied them those nights.

We stayed up late every night, drinking, playing spades and I even tried my hand at dominoes, the rules, which I discovered, completely elluded me. A couple of mornings, Drew's dad, me, and once with Dusty and Joe, went out on the lake fishing. I'm not much of a fisherman. But I had a good time.

Drew and I also spent some time walking the woods around the area with Dusty and Joe. Tick checks weren't as fun as they usually are, but that could be because there were people around.

Drew and I came back early because Drew couldn't take the noise anymore. That and I suspect since it was a 3 hour drive, he saw the wisdom in not trying to drive that long into work. So we were back last night. I didn't realize how much I would miss my bed, more than just the "my space" thing. I really did miss sleeping on my mattress. Guess it was a good idea to get it after all.

All in all it was a good time away. I met more of Drew's family (the ones that live in PA and Ohio), got to spend time with the ones that I already knew, relaxed and did alot of nothing! Reading, staring up at the night sky, throwing rocks into the lake, napping on the sofa with a little girl who seems to be fixated with me for some reason, perched on my stomach. But for a 5 year old, Mandy is surprisingly wise for her age.

And no, I didn't explode although I was having my doubts by Friday night. [rakish grin]

Musing in 100 words
Monday, July 8, 2002
07:46 a.m.

I try, you know?

I try to do what’s right. To do what’s fair.

To live my life to the best of my ability. To be true to myself. And just hope that doesn’t conflict with someone else’s happiness.

But there comes a time when I have to come first. -I- have to be my first priority.

People can claim that others come first. But happiness isn’t found outside yourself. It can -not- be found there.

I can’t make everyone happy. I can only make myself happy and just hope for the best.

So why do I feel like shit?

The Godfathers take a fall
Tuesday, July 2, 2002
12:41 p.m.

Well, we lost our first game. Team Sprocket beat us. It really doesn't surprise me. With all the 'strategizing' the team wanted to do, I think it was more like we were psyched out.

But I think this loss is a good thing. Keeps us humble, you know?

*~*~*~*~*

We are heading out today at 3:30 when I get off work. I hope we will be able to beat traffic. We are coming back into NJ on Monday morning and heading straight to work.

Everyone, please be careful this July 4th weekend. Drink responsibly and do not drink and drive.

Safe Holiday! Chat with you Monday night!

God must hate me...and other whinings
Monday, July 1, 2002
09:50 a.m.

I borrowed Drew's cell phone and tried to call my dad on Sunday to wish him a happy birthday. I should have known it was too soon. He wouldn't come to the phone. Mom talked to me long enough to tell me that, then handed the phone over to Renee. So I talked with her some and briefly with Tristan and Christan. Renee said that dad did open the card and put the wrenches in his tool box. So that is something I guess. At least I can expect not to get those sent back with RETURN TO SENDER written on it this time.

Everyone was over to celebrate, and once again I'm not there. That kind of stings. You know, I've missed 14 of his birthdays. I'm glad Drew was here with me.

The weekend was otherwise good. A couple of weeks ago, we had decided to start spending some time together with nothing planned, and not going 90 to nothin' on the weekends with errands. It was nice to lounge, play some spades, read, putz around, listen to the Cowboy Bebop cds that Sara made for me.

I received some really great stuff from Steelsong as well. A lot of chocolates and snacks apparently only available in Canada, some cool (in both senses of the word) clothes, this really cute cloth horse pen with floppy legs, some great beer. She also sent Drew a bottle of wine for his birthday.

We both work two days this week and we are leaving straight from work to the cabin on Tuesday. I really am looking forward to this, even though we just found out it will be a full house. Several of Drew's Aunt/Uncle/cousin sets complete with kids are coming up too.

A thought occurs to me just now. I will have to go 6 nights without Drew in my bed. No sexcapades, no petting, no cuddling, nothing.

6 nights!

I'll explode.

Hmmm...I'm beginning to think this wasn't such a good idea. If the intent is to go to relax, but I'm not getting laid, how am I supposed to relax? And with more than half a dozen kids of varying ages ranging from 4 to 13, I don't have a hope in hell in sneaking off with Drew for a bit of alone time.

Damn, and here I was hoping for a quiet holiday weekend with Drew. Can't have everything I suppose.

I'm still here
Friday, June 28, 2002
12:26 p.m.

I managed to dodge the pinkslip bullet again.

This gives me back a bit of faith in a company that claims to reward good work and behaviour.

Now to prepare for the Team Sprocket Smackdown!

This weekend is just laying around the place, preferably -on- Drew. I work Monday and Tuesday and I'm taking the rest of the week off for July 4. We are headed up to Drew's folks cabin in PA.

It's my dad's birthday on Sunday. I mailed his birthday card and a small gift earlier this week. Renee said Frank suggested a set of Allen wrenches. So that is what I got him. After what happened at Renee's wedding, I'm hoping that he doesn't send this one back. I'm hoping that..yeah. Hoping.

I hope everyone has a safe weekend if I don't see you or chat with you before Sunday.