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Well...nuts...
Friday, March 15, 2002
06:01 p.m.
Well hells bells...
I was really hoping to be able to escape for a while and go camping. I need to get away and clear my head. I just can't seem to get a handle on these things that bug me so much.
But, shit. It's supposed to rain tonight and tomorrow.
So I guess I'll sit my sad ass at home and mope. Drew will be here a little tonight and won't be back until Sunday mid morning. He, as predicted, has to work. Trying to get caught up on his new responsibilites.
I guess the whole weekend isn't a bust. I will get to see him tonight for a little bit, but we won't be going out. I have got to get rid of this energy. I feel like I'm vibrating I'm so worked up.
It appears that yet another friend has ended all things with me. I have emailed this guy 5 times and haven't heard a peep once. I understand busy. I really do. But god damn. 5 times? You would think that I would get something back, even it its "hey dude, can't talk now, but got your emails...blah blah"
Maybe I'm just paranoid. It wouldn't be the first time I've been accused of it. But it just seems to me that if you email and email and email someone, if they aren't emailing you back...they aren't going to. End of communication...end of friendship. It's happened to me before. I try to have faith. But everyday, it gets harder and harder not to hear anything.
Not that this isn't typical for me. Because it seems to be. Eventually everyone gets tired of me I guess.
And the phone card has been played. It ended a friendship before. But I have my reasons why I don't talk on the phone. I haven't in years (with the exception of calling into work which I use a pay phone for), I'm not gonna start now. I don't and won't even use Drew's at his place.
Think I'm going to go watch Cowboy Bebop again.
toxic
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Wonders never cease
Monday, March 11, 2002
11:09 a.m.
What a strange start to my week.
This morning I came into work, the blues still holding me down pretty bad. Guess I'm not as tough as I would like to think I am.
Anyway, so I'm sitting in the shop, waiting for the supe to tell us what we aren't doing today (!), minding my own business. Depending on the weather, the stock price of the company, whether crocus' are in bloom and the price of corn in England, is the gauge that seems to affect the testosterone levels at the beginning of the day. Today, fortunately, all things worked in my favor and everyone seems subdued. Meaning, no one saw fit to give me any shit.
So there I am, doodling on the desk pad when one of the main pains in my ass sits down next to me. Great. This little guy (he's about 5'5", short Italian), who seems to take great delight in getting in my face, sits down and gives me this look. Finally I look up and ask "what?", rather shortly.
It makes me nervous that he seems so nervous. He asks if we can talk privately for a minute. What the hell, I've got a lot of nervous energy to burn off, and it would give me great delight to pound this guy into a pulp, work be damned. So we go to a vacated corner of the shop. He's really really nervous, and won't look me in the eye, which is unusual for him, since he seems to think that his manhood can only be pumped by getting in my face all the time and challenging me.
After dancing around the subject and talking about...I can't fucking remember...he finally comes out and asks. He wants to know of some resources online or in the area to deal with a family issue. It seems his kid brother, to whom he is very close, just came out to the family within the past month. From what this guy says, most of the family isn't taking it well and it is tearing them apart. He isn't really sure what to think or how to feel. But he loves his brother.
All I did for some minutes is stare dumbfounded. Who the hell would have thought this guy, the same one who got in my face and said some pretty nasty shit about my preferences, loud enough for the entire shop to hear, would now be asking me for advice? I did recover and point him in a couple of directions and gave him the best advice I could. "You may not understand, but just be supportive. Your brother needs you. And talk. You two need to keep the lines of communication open."
I'm the last person he needs to ask for advice, since my own coming out went about as well as his brother's. I didn't deal with it well then, I'm still having problems now.
At least it explains why he hasn't pounded his chest and thrown twigs and sticks at me recently.
toxic
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Conspiracy Theory
Saturday, March 9, 2002
09:38 p.m.
Not really, but yeah...
I feel like I am the subject of a consipiracy. Bravenet got hacked last week (I'm assuming) and closed down to fix the problems.
I Can't Update My Website!
With everything else that seems to be going wrong in my life, its just one more thing to add to the growing list!
Looks like Drew is going to get that promotion they have been promising him for a year. But before I get too excited, I'm not convinced it is a great thing.
Yeah, he will be making more money. But he will also have more responsibility and he will have to travel more. And he doesn't get to do the hands on testing he likes to do, anymore.
I admit it. I'm a selfish jerk. I like to keep my friends and loved ones close to me. I don't like it when I can't have instant access. And I don't handle it well. Heaven forbid if they get sick....I'm intolerable to deal with. I end up driving everyone around me crazy.
Gah, what a week...
toxic
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fuck me....
Friday, March 8, 2002
05:33 a.m.
God damn ma'am!
What a lousy night last night. I crashed into bed at 9:30. As soon as I got off the computer, I was a goner. I left Drew sitting up watching TV. No desire to jump his ass and get a little mattress action.
That has not happened before unless I was incapacitated drunk. And last night I wasn't. Not that I didn't think about it...Nor do I think Drew was complaining. I'm sure sometimes he gets tired fighting me off all the time.
Then, my dreams were the fevered kind...you know the ones, toss and turn, mind going a thousand miles an hour...
I went to bed exhausted. I wake up exhausted.
Emotionally I'm a wreck. And the problem? [laughs] I can't tell anyone about it and get it off my mind. Its too personal. So it just sits there, spinning in a quagmire, getting further and further stuck.
I'm exhausted, I'm a mess, and I'm afraid I've hurt someone very very very close to me and I ...
Don't
Know
What
To
Do
Even if I apologized a million times over, will it be enough? Have I already done enough damage to ruin yet another friendship?
The truth of the matter is, I'm a jerk. 100%, Class A, Number One, Selfish Asshole.
It hurts to think right now. But it seems I have no choice, because the thoughts won't stop.
So I will go into work and be useless one more day. Whats another day of uselessness?
The desire to run is pretty strong right now...maybe...I don't know....God knows its what I'm best at.
toxic
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Not much going on
Tuesday, March 5, 2002
03:45 p.m.
Not much to report really. Drew and I went down to his folks on Saturday and stayed the night. It's a bitch to be a 35 yr old man and not be able to stay with your lover in the same bed. It's not like his folks don't already know about us. Hell, they've accepted that he is gay, long ago. Something that is a definite new thing to me, being declared dead by my father. But I'm still not allowed to sleep in the same bed with him. I mean, its not like I'm going to boink him right there in their house. I do have manners and upbringing!
Still, it was nice. His mother loves to cook. And she made more food than one body can possibly pack away. She fed us until all ~I~ could do was lay on the sofa and moan pitifully, my stomach distended from so much food. She knows my weakness is pies, so she made several of them, all my favorites.
And she apologized for taking Drew away from me last Tuesday (in words and in the form of a lemon merangue pie). She said she wouldn't have if she had had any other choice.
For the notoriously curious, a list of the loot brought back from China is forthcoming. It hasn't arrived yet. Drew mailed it before he left.
In other news, I finally got the special edition of Jin Roh. It has the American dub on it. I'm of mixed minds over this. On the one hand, they did a good job of the voices, even though it seemed over the top in some places. And they did a really good job explaning all the intricasies of the plot in an understandable manner, something the subbed version seriously lacked.
On the other hand, to defend the subbed version, I think native Japanese would have understood it just fine. It is, after all, their culture.
In the end, I still much prefer the subbed version over the dubbed. The flavor of the whole story is best experienced in the subbed. While the dubbed one is good, something undefinable is lost. That I got a dvd that has them both on it is a definite plus! Now all I have to do is get the booklet and the cover scanned and I'm set to roll out my Jin Roh page.
toxic
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I did it!
Friday, March 1, 2002
06:17 a.m.
I pat myself on the back. I installed a hard drive. Now I have 40 Gig of hard drive space instead of a nickle's worth.
That was the most painful thing I think I have ever done. Ever. I hope to never have to go through that again. Actually, I should have let Drew do it. But being stubborn, I was resolute to do this myself.
And, all in all, not too bad for a complete novice. It's installed. I have software. As long as I have my internet access, I'm a happy boy!
Of course, now I'm exhausted since we didn't get to bed until almost 1 am.
I think Drew wanted to go to his mothers, like, tonight. At this point I don't really care when we go, just so long as I get some sleep. Preferably with him in the same bed as me, but, well, I guess eventually his folks will come around. Until then I have to be content with him sneaking into the guest room.
Not that they seem to have a problem with their son being gay. In fact most of his family seems to be cool with it. But I guess they are still wary of me. I am new in his life, knowing him less than a year.
Maybe I can talk him into us going down on Saturday morning.
toxic
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He's Home!
Wednesday, February 27, 2002
12:35 p.m.
Well, Drew did finally make it in, after many delays. Delays in the air, delays on the way home...
He was dog-assed tired and sick from the airline food! I shoved him into the shower, went to get him some Pepto for his stomach, and gave him a quick massage until he fell asleep.
I let him sleep for a few hours before waking him up for dinner. It turned out fantastic if I do say so myself (modesty abounds!). We piled onto the sofa and watched nothing in particular on TV until he was tired and ready for bed. My self restraint was admirable, probably bordering on sainthood.
Tuesday morning we got up, and I fixed him breakfast. Got a recipe for french toast (don't laugh, I'm really not a cook. I still rely on recipes) and made that. With bacon, coffee and orange juice, it was a feast fit for a tired, burned out, returning world traveler.
Unfortunately our happy reunion was cut short by his mother calling. A friend of hers had passed away, and since she doesn't drive and Drew's dad couldn't or wouldn't get off work, Drew was tapped to take her to the viewing and funeral. He is due back later this afternoon.
To say I was bummed would be an understatement. I am trying to be understanding, but it really disappointed me. I had taken Monday to Wednesday off so that I could be with him, and he wasn't here for half of it. I know, I'm a whiner...We both go back to work on Thursday and probably the next time I can spend with him will be Friday night. And I think he was planning on us going down to his parents for the weekend. sigh
I shouldn't complain, I guess. I do get easy access to him right now, and mostly whenever I want. But still....it sucked.
And at least he's home now.
toxic
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Due Home Soon!
Sunday, February 24, 2002
11:28 a.m.
Not much to say at the moment. Drew comes home in a day and I'm on pins and needles. Since we started dating, we haven't been apart for more than a week. He has been gone 3.
A dumb thing happened. I started to get confused. When he called I thought he had said the 25th. When I talked with Shawna (his dept. secretary, she said the 26th). So that is what I told most of my friends. Drew and I did talk while I was groggy and I thought maybe I misunderstood. So I had her fax me the itenerary
He is coming in on the 25th, not the 26th. Stupid freaking thing. It's hard to read as it is. The 5 looked like a 6....arghh... I'm such an idiot sometimes. I should have went with my first instincts. Jeez...what if he had been waiting for me on Monday and I didn't show, thinking it was...?
Luckily I took the 25th through the 27th off so that I could be with him.
I went and cleaned his apartment yesterday. Not that there was much to do, he is a neatnick. But I knocked the dust off of stuff and cleaned his refrigerator out. Went grocery shopping and picked up some food to restock. Milk, eggs, bread. Then picked up some flowers and stuck them around his place. He likes flowers. He is such a plant person. Me? I kill them, unintentionally of course, but they don't last long around me.
I also got stuff to make for lunch/dinner when he gets in on Monday. I'm not much of a cook, but I think I can manage if it is easy. Steaks, can't be screwed up unless you leave them on too long. At least, I hope.
toxic
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Wednesday, February 20, 2002
02:28 p.m.
This is an interesting concept, this is. Not sure how I feel about my life and times splattered all over the internet, but hey, you only live once and no one has really ever died from terminal embarrassment. (although I'm sure we all have felt like we wanted to.)
The only grousing I can do right now is about my work. We keep going through round after round of layoffs, and no one knows who is next. This is keeping people on edge and bitchy as hell.
And I do have a rant coming up, but I still have to build a good head of steam before I let loose.
toxic
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