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freaky, just plain freaky
Wednesday, April 10, 2002
11:27 a.m.
I am beginning to believe the world has gone insane. If I knew more about astrology, I would guess that something crazy is going on in the stars.
Things all over are just freaky.
First, the MLs seem quiet. Too quiet. Uncomfortably quiet. Maybe its just the fandom winding down. Who knows.
Second, things seem to just be "negative" all over. Personal tragedy, personal hardships, just personal shit. Not just me, but it seems a large proportion of people I
know are going through bad and/or low times.
Third, on a more personal level, my shit is getting scattered to hell and creation. I can't seem to get my life to settle down. Just when I do, something else just pops up to take its place.
Take work. There was a harrassment charge brought against two of the guys I work with. Not sexual, just general. They are two loud mouthed, crass, knuckle-dragging bigots. No religion, race, sexual orientation or gender ever escaped their purile rantings, their in-your-face abuse and bullying.
For a while there it seemed I was the recipient of all their angry-at-the-world-shit.
Then the charge came up. And a lot of the other guys in the shop stepped forward to try and do these guys in. I find that behavior terribly hypocritical. Because for all
these guys and their bigoted shit, everyone else in the shop was just as guilty of it, these guys were just louder than the rest.
So I wouldn't sign the petition. (I wasn't the only one, there are a few others that thought like I did).
Now I'm their biggest and best friend. Whatever, I may only have a HS diploma and votech training, but I'm not stupid. But I'll take the peace while I can.
Then there is the guerilla guy who contantly wanted to bump chests and throw sticks and twigs at me and give me all kinds of shit, inviting me outside to show who is the better 'man' and who is fag queen of the shop. And when his baby brother came out, guerilla guy changed his tune towards me quickly. To date, he still has stayed out of my face. And the vitrolic acid that spewed from his mouth against gays has stopped. He has even come to my 'defense' ([snort] like I need him defending me) and told the others to back off.
Insert next problem. I thought that since I wouldn't sign the petition, I was put on shit detail in asbestos removal. The suits are hot. They don't 'breathe', they have to be taped shut. The project is taking place in a subbasement of a building where all the electrical equipment is located, so its fucking hot with little to no ventilation. To make things worse, we have to wear respirators. Those damn things are fucking uncomfortable and can be hard to breathe in.
Then I find out that I'm promoted to lead man on the project. I am to work closely with the engineer in charge and with the crews that still working on it. Cool! And not
cool. A promotion of sorts though it does come with its disadvantages. They gave me a radio. And I have to give oral updates and stuff to the engineer and facilities management every couple of days. Well that sucks. I hate the fucking radio. I hate talking on it. I hate the sound of my own voice. Its not just a hate. Its a pathological
hate. Like in, I won't talk unless forced to. Hell I don't even own a phone. Won't ever I don't think. But I'll suffer through I guess. I can't afford to screw this up.
So things are looking up again. I'm not being punished. The ridicule, hate and general bullshit against me has subsided to a tolerable level that I actually don't mind
being in the shop with the others.
Then something else crops up. A young guy at work is rumored to be gay and now HE is on the receiving end of some shit. The thing is, he denies it. Vehemently. Rumor or truth, who knows, but the rumor has it he is, because one of the guys saw him sucking off one of the security guards in the bathroom of one of the "closed for renovations" sections of the building. Word like that will get around.
And yet, he blames ME for people thinking that he is gay. He seems to think that I have been telling everyone. Please, like I don't already have enough shit to deal with.
Nevermind that when he confronted me about it, he raised his voice so loud that if no one knew before about the bathroom thing, they know now. I later found out that a
buddy of mine did go to this guy and told him that they only reason he got shit from the shop was because they found they could get under his skin about it. No one knew for sure. But the way he reacted solidified in everyone's mind he was, and that this young guy shouldn't blame me for his own idiocy and indiscretion. Hell, I wasn't the one who
walked in on them!
Well, the pressure was getting to him and he was ready to crack. He was overheard telling someone that if the guys don't lay off of him he is going to release cyanide gas into the vent system. Great. I haven't seen him the past couple of days, so I assume managment took that threat serious, whether it was meant as serious or not.
Overlaying all of this, on a new ML, I have come across a young man who is in almost the same identical situation I was in ~10 years ago. Identical barring some minor deviations to details. He is in prison for armed robbery (I think), I was in for assault. He is gay. He is currently incarcerated in a prison in the south, as was I. He is into heavy weight lifting, like I am. And he has the same reasons to hate talking as I do.
I have the opportunity to make personal contact with him, but I'm not sure I'm ready. I have tried so long to move on with my life, I'm not sure I want to dredge all
my problems in my past back up. Yet, I understand his loneliness and his feelings of isolation all too well.
Freaky year. Freaky, I tell you.
toxic
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those test things
Thursday, April 4, 2002
09:26 p.m.
Occasionally I find one or two that are interesting. I am Zeus!
And now...
Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?
You are Gigantor!
Born in 1963, You are possibly the original colossal death robot, being one of the patriarchs of the current crop, and definitely an advocate of old-skool enemy-bashing. Why use a clumsy particle weapon when you can create supernovas just by flexing your arms? Your one minor weakness is that you are entirely dominated by some kid with a remote contol - still, don't let it get you down. You can sink a nuclear submarine with jazz music.
toxic
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Happy Easter!
Sunday, March 31, 2002
09:27 p.m.
Well, I'm back. I swear I will have to workout extra hard the next couple of weeks to work off how much I ate. I swear, I think that Drew's mother has made it her mission to feed me until I literally explode.. Makes me wonder if it is some insideous plan of hers to get rid of me.
I joke, of course. Otherwise, why would the woman put together an Easter basket for me that stood almost two feet high and jammed packed with chocolates, marshmallow chicks, peanut butter eggs, malted ball/eggs and top it off with a stuffed bunny rabbit?
The cutest thing is that it was sitting by my bed when I woke up this morning. Complete with a note from the Easter Bunny to enjoy the day. The woman is a whirlwind. She made more food than could possibly be consumed in one weekend.
I guess I could bore everyone with what all she cooked, but I won't inflict that upon you. Suffice it to say, I fell upon the apple crumb pie like a starving man. I don't think anyone else got a piece of it.
I helped to hide the easter eggs for the hunt and then their whole extended family came over this morning and we all went to church. I have to say that was the first time I had set foot in one in 25 years. Then we came back to the house and the nieces and nephews had the easter egg hunt in the backyard.
The whole time I had a really warm fuzzy feeling. This is what family is supposed to be like. Maybe I really do live in an Ozzie and Harriet world, but after all the shit I've been through, this was so good to see. And be a small part of it. I wish that Drew could have been here. But he will be home next saturday.
My current cause is to advertise for the Nightline weeklong 5 part series starting April 8. Go here for more info. I tried to access the official Nightline page, but the link wasn't working for me, so I just created a page that has all the info that I received in an email from one of the lists I'm on.
toxic
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Biting the Bullet
Friday, March 29, 2002
06:41 p.m.
Yeah..just what it says. I'm biting the bullet and posting what precious few fics I have so far, on my website.
So if you go read them, try not to laugh too loudly. I'm trying.
One funny thing that struck me though. I have about as many fanfics, as I do originals. The score being kept from when I originally entered the fandom back in June of last year. I did have more stuff, but unfortunately it has probably been erased from the hard drive when Flynn sold the computer after he threw me out. So all the stuff I had written before...gone. Poof...just like that. Years of writing...
Ah well, trying to view it as a good thing. All the crap purged from my life before, and an opportunity to start over.
Well, it sounded good when I said it aloud.
Followed a link from bear's pitapage and saw a really cool way to do links. Think I'm going to incorporate it.
7 days and Drew gets home. I'm feeling a little better now. My mood seems to be staying good for longer periods of time with only small foreys into selfpitydom.
Thought I would head down to my sisters for Easter, but that fell through. Mainly I didn't get a plane ticket in time, and now...awwww screw it.
I did get an email from Drew's mother inviting me down to her house for Easter. Think I will head there on early Saturday afternoon and stay overnight. It kind of freaks me that his folks would want me there even though their son is out of town, but bear says to not think about it too hard and go with the flow. Thats advice I can live with. So I can expect to be fed until I pop at the seams again. Drew's mother is a cooking fiend.
toxic
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Grrr....
Thursday, March 28, 2002
10:26 p.m.
An ill wind is blowing and its name is Jan...
Most of the time I don't have a problem with the world and how it accomodates heterosexual couples and relationships. I recognize that that is just how things are.
But sometimes, it really hits me hard, square between the eyes, just how heterocentric our society is.
Two things, not necessarily back to back, but they both stand out in my mind.
First. I went to emode.com and took the Which Sex God Are You?. (I'm Zeus, God of Thunder, by the way)
A lot of the questions, geared towards guys answering, were questions about females. Like the one about unhooking a bra. Ummm...to be honest the only experience I have with bras is my friend Georgie and its only because he is a hell of a Drag Queen that I really know anything about them at all, which is precious little.
But I try to answer the questions substituting in appropriate twists on my experience and plug along.
Bada boom, bada bing, I'm Zeus.
So then, tonight...I'm checking my email at hotmail.com and see the little link for
"Top 10 soulmate signs: What your friends (& your ex) have to do with it" Following the link, the actual name of the article is "10 signs she's made for you", under their 'Tips for Men'.
I guess what I'm saying is that there is always an assumption that the reader is heterosexual. And in today's social climate, that ain't necessarily so.
Stupid, I realize. I mean I always feel the sting, but tonight it just seems more...poignant. The load is just...heavy tonight.
I've just fucked up again and all the negative shit is piling on top of me once more. The strain is getting to be more than I can handle.
Not that anyone needs to hear this crap again...
I was motivated to work on my site. Now I just want to crawl under my futon and never come out again.
toxic
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Things are looking up
Monday, March 25, 2002
07:10 p.m.
Yeah. Definitely looking up.
I still feel like a complete whiney loser, but at least I've managed to stop my self flagellation. Knowing that I haven't screwed up too badly in one of my personal problems, helps. My spirits are picking up.
Went to the library tonight and checked out a couple of books on haiku. They say nothing beats reading the masters of an artform to get the feel for what they are all about.
And haiku is an interesting form. With all the rules and such, it is very diciplined, and I like that. I've already tried a couple of little things. Nothing to write home about or anything. But it is fun, and its not as easy as it looks. At least not for me.
I still have some scanning that I want to get done. Correction, some scanning I am sweet talking bear into doing for me. I was given Tarot Erotic by bear, and I like a lot of the cards. So I want some of them scanned. That and I also picked up at the library the art of J.R.R. Tolkien. It has some great art by him in it. And a couple of bear pics that bear is sure to snag for her website.
One day down, 13 to go.
toxic
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Leaving on a jet plane...
Sunday, March 24, 2002
06:43 p.m.
Well, I put him on a plane and now Drew is off to Georgia for training and meetings.
I know that this promotion is good. Good for him. He is moving up and finally seeing a payoff for all his hard work.
Despite my selfish jealousy of his time being stolen from me, I'm proud of him. He deserves all the good things that he is seeing now.
So now, I sit, alone in my apartment. I think bear and I are going to a movie tomorrow to cheer me up. I want to go see Resident Evil. [laughs] And yes, that movie would cheer me up since my mood is so deplorably crappy right now.
Good news though, every once in a while I get some. My sister Renee is pregnant. She and her new husband are going to have a baby. Well, she is going to have the baby, Frank is going to be a nervous wreck. She said the baby is due around the 1st of Novemember. Can they really predict that with that good of accuracy? Anyway, looks like its going to be a scorpio baby, and a horse to boot! I think they will have their work cut out for them, since one of the baby's uncles (ummm...me) is also a scorpio and a horse.
The best part (for me) is that I will get to be there while the baby grows up. My sister Susan wouldn't let me near my nephews when I told her I was gay. I never got to see them for 12 years. Renee has always been so supportive of me, she is my heart. I'm hoping to go down and visit her sometime this summer.
I guess I can take this time with Drew gone to get my fucking act together. I feel like I'm drowning.
Maybe I'll get some more work done on my webpage, such that it is. Depends on my motivation. Right now, I just want to go to bed, and its only 6:45pm. I used to be able to stay up until midnight, now all I want to do is sleep.
toxic
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A small rant on my lunch break
Wednesday, March 20, 2002
12:40 p.m.
Okay. Now I'm pissed.
I've been having a real shitty couple of weeks, just barely keeping my act together.
I chose bravenet for the fact that they didn't have those fucking popup ads. And what do I see when I go to check on my page? GAHHHHHH....it's making getting my own domain name look very attractive right now. But hang it all, I can't afford it. I'm scraping by as it is. And its not like I have a whole lot of substance to put on a page to justify putting out the money.
toxic
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...nothing left...
Monday, March 18, 2002
08:55 p.m.
Well, I've seen all of Cowboy Bebop. And now I'm bummed, even moreso than before.
I did finally hear from one friend. He felt really guilty about not responding to me before, which makes me feel even worse. I feel like a whiney ass loser.
I know that I'm selfish and think of myself first a lot.
And now to make things soooo much better in my life (and yes, that was sarcasm), Drew has to go away for a business trip to Georgia for two weeks. He leaves sunday afternoon.
I don't know what I'm going to do with myself.
You know, I have to wonder, who the hell is going to keep reading this if all I write is depressing shit? Yet that is all I have to offer right now.
A friend suggested taking St. John's Wort for my deplorably shitty mood. Think I'll look into it, anything has got to help, and its better than nothing I guess.
...spiraling downwards...
toxic
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what a week, what a month, what a year
Sunday, March 17, 2002
09:58 p.m.
[whistles] Boy, this has been some year.
The fandom that I first was initiated into is falling apart.
It seems like every friendship I have is falling apart in some way.
It seems like I'm falling apart as well.
How to keep any of it together? Your guess is as good as mine.
bear always tells me that relationships, just like all living things, have a birth, a life and a death.
Still doesn't make things easier to deal with when a good thing comes to an end.
Happy birthday, bear. I'm sorry that it has turned out to be so shitty for you.
toxic
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