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Lessons is the oddest forms
Wednesday, May 8, 2002
09:11 a.m.
I woke up in a foul, depressing mood today.
Contemplating about all the dark, morose, possibly even melodramatic things I would write in today's entry.
The dark cloud followed me all the way to work. I slammed out of my truck and stomped through the grass in the shortest route to the sidewalk that takes me towards the building where I work.
sidewalk standoff,
toe to claw challenge over
fat chipmunk cheeks
He was so close all I would have had to do was bend down and scoop him up. He glared up at me defiantly as if to say "get the fuck out of my way, ape".
There's a lesson in there.
It's kind of hard to be foul and depressing now.
Oh, and I did walk around him.
toxic
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I had a good weekend all around
Monday, May 6, 2002
11:30 a.m.
Saturday and Sunday both were gorgeous days. Saturday, we went back up to one of the antique shops and picked up the deacon's bench he bought last weekend, and spent the rest of the day getting the things he needed to refinish it. Drew has been wanting to try his hand at that, so we spent the remainder of saturday in hardware stores, getting all the stuff he would need and trying to get the basement windows to open so he would have ventillation. He has cleared his basement to set up as a work area.
Sunday, we sat on Drew's patio, grilling, drinking (sodas, tea and some beer) with a few of his friends. I learned the finer points of Bocce, and -all- the intricasies and nuances of the game. I had never heard of the game before getting up here, but its really popular in NJ. And its pretty fun too. I suck at it I think, but one of the guys said that I had a talent for it. Yeah. Right. Here Rich, have another beer. [laughs]
We drank and visited until really late, and Drew had to get up early this morning, so I packed him off to bed and cleaned up a bit before coming home. I was really pissed when I finally got home.
I had signed onto aim, saw people online and went to get a quick shower. When I got back, my computer had frozen up, so I rebooted. After I got back up and running, I couldn't access aim, but I could the internet, then... nothing.
It's happened a couple of times before, with either them working on their set up downstairs, sometimes the line craps out, although that hasn't happened in a long time.
I was ready to chew through my monitor I was so pissed. Actually I had considered trying to find an internet cafe, but I couldn't be sure if they were still open at that time of night, and frankly I was beat. Bocce can take alot out of you. That, the beer, the sun, the sex....
I've got this great electronic organizer thing given to me by a friend. It has a keypad like a keyboard, and a place that you can make notes using the pressure sensitive screen and the stylus. It's an organizer, notes holder and more. I can even make little drawings and maps and stuff. It's really cool
It is an older model, but it suits my purposes just fine. It's convenient to carry around, and with just a quick motion its open and on and I can write my haiku snips and notes in no time. And it has come in handy as hell already, in just the few days I've had it.
I don't know how I ended up so lucky to have people in my life like my current list of friends, who have stood by me in my darkest moments. I am grateful to whatever deity was/is responsible. Some one or some thing is looking out for me...
toxic
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Trying to stay caught up
Thursday, May 2, 2002
12:18 p.m.
I went to dinner Tuesday with Kimmie (my doumbec teacher) and her boyfriend Cliff. We went to the Moroccan restaurant in the northern part of the state. She has gotten together a group of her belly dance students and planned a field trip. I was surprised she invited me. It was me and Cliff and about 15 women.
They even convinced me to get up and dance. I'm sure I was embarrasing. But I had a good time. It felt nice to be accepted like that. I think they all think I'm very charming, even though I probably didn't say 500 words last night. I just smiled alot, laughed heartily (I've been told I don't know any other way to laugh, not sure what that means), ate and danced.
I've never had Moroccan food before. The meat pie thing with powdered sugar was interesting. Two completely different tastes mingling...not sure if I liked it or not.
Eating with just my fingers was certainly a different experience too. I mean, I do that in private sort of and with sandwiches and chips and stuff, but never in public at a sit down supper.
I had breakfast with Drew Wednesday morning. He is worrying about a situation that has come up. But at least he talked to me about it, getting my thoughts before he made a decision. Not that his decision should have hinged on what I thought, but the gesture wasn't lost on me.
In June, his organization is having their company picnic. Family of employees are invited too. Drew wants me to go with him. So much so, that he has gone head to head with his boss over it. But the picnic isn't open to "friends", just immediate family, husbands/wives/children. That exludes me.
I'm secretly glad that he wants me to go. It really goes towards healing the breach between us. That he is willing to fight for me and he is willing to not go to the
picnic without me.
I have considered that maybe he isn't sincere. Maybe he is counting on me being predictable, and to say to go without me (because I -would- tell him that). But I can't
think like that. Its doubting his sincerity. I won't do that. He has always been sincere.
So I did tell him to go without me. It sucks, but he needs to go, whether I'm there or not. I may be blue collar/lower class, but I do understand the political expediency (I think that is the right word). I don't want him to blow anything because of me.
It sucks, you know? To know in our society today, with all of our 'forward thinking', our 'liberal tendencies', that two people of the same sex who care deeply for each other, still can not openly display any affection towards one another without fear of retribution. Even something as simple as holding hands, which many m/f couples take for granted, is still frowned upon when the couple holding hands is m/m or f/f.
Anniversary note, I've been in NJ one year April 23
[laughs] Anniversaries. Another one coming up. May 11th. It's funny. I still wrestle daily with what went on at SCCF and yet this is the first time in years I specifically have thought about the day I got out.
Hm. Wish time could heal all wounds.
toxic
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Hope I don't jinx myself
Monday, April 29, 2002
12:32 p.m.
It was a good weekend for me. A lot of nothing went on, but it was restful. I needed it.
Drew came over Friday night and made some dish with mash potatoes, ground beef, peas, cheese, carrots. It was pretty good. I can't remember what it was called...Shepards Pie I think. If its a pie, it can't be all bad.
We then sat on the sofa and watched movies and fell asleep. Turning on the sap for just a moment, it was nice. It felt good to hold him while he slept. Around 1:00am
we stirred went to the bed. I won't bore you with details, but it was very passionate. With the recent spate of problems we have been having, it was a good sign in my
opinion.
Saturday was by far the most beautiful day I have seen in a while. It was still a bit chilly, but no matter. We threw on our riding leathers and went for a bike ride up into NY. We packed a light picnic type thing and headed off for nature. Driving for most of the morning, we hit winding back roads. We stopped at a really nice grassy area and had the lunch.
On our way back down south, we stopped in a couple of touristy antique shops for Drew. He is an antique lover. It was unfortunate (or fortunate, depending on who you ask [grin]) that we were on the bike and couldn't buy anything. No way to get it home. I think he may have made a couple of deals and is planning on heading back up there to pick the stuff up. I say I think because when Drew is "antiquing", I just wander around to let him do his thing and eventually end up waiting for him outside.
He talks about it, and I just nod.
We stopped at one of my favorite diners for dinner. Had a huge piece of coconut creme pie for dessert. Its the only reason I go there. Great pies!
Sunday was pretty uneventful. It rained in the morning and afternoon and we just laid on the sofa together, napping and talking and looking at the rain out of the window.
before the storm,
blanket of pink petals
under the tree
It had cleared up for a bit, but then an evening thunderstorm blew through. We grabbed a blanket and went out on the "forbidden" porch to watch it rain outside, with
the low rumbling of thunder vibrating in our chests.
Making love while it is raining is one of the most sensuous things I know of. Making love, outside, while raining, makes it even more so.
I'm such an exhibitionist. [grin]
toxic
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