Thursday, September 26, 2002
01:51 p.m.

Alright.

It's official.

I have no sense of humor.

BumFights

Sick fuckers.

toxic

Ask and ye shall receive
Thursday, September 26, 2002
12:06 p.m.

Words to live by.

Any person capable of angering you becomes your master; he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him. -- Epictetus

toxic

Like a hole in the head
Thursday, September 26, 2002
11:03 a.m.

Which is what I obviously have since I have started my live journal back up.

I don't have the time or energy to scratch my ass, much less keep up with two journals (three if you count a private one I keep, for one set of eyes only).

I will still post my whiney ass shit here, but the live journal is for posting the stuff I write, while it is in pieces or in the works. In case any one cares.

It's the same shit, just a different day with me. It seems all I do lately is re-evaluate my priorities. What is important to me? And that seems to change daily.

One day, with the exception of my friends, nothing online is important. The next, the least upset on a list is important.

I waffle back and forth. I know I should just rip the bandaid off and pull out of the GW fandom. But part of me doesn't want to. I have read some really great fics and met some really great people. Yet, I seem to have trouble staying unaffected by the things that go on. The politics. It affects me deeply.

The people do too. How much time do I want to invest in making an effort to salvage a friendship that I know isn't salvagable? It grieves me that is the way of it, but I won't compromise on my stance. And to try to repair the friendship to restore as before would require that I back off from what I feel strongly about. But to say anything would be to simply make the situation worse because it won't be heard except with the desire to be hurt by anything I say.

If I can't say what is on my mind without risk of "hurting" this person, then do we have a basis of a friendship? I refuse to continue to suck up and pretend these behaviors and attitudes that hurt and offend others (and me) don't exist (as others seem to be able to do so easily), yet they are super sensitive when it is done back at them with the same intensity. They don't see it. And they won't see it. They are too busy being "injured" by what is said to them.

If I say something, the end is final, they sulk away like I'm the bad guy. And no one likes to be the bad guy.

If I don't, they operate like nothing is wrong, except the blatant ignoring and avoiding me.

I can't live my life like that. I guess it is a different definition of what being a friend means.

Yet, the dissolution of a friendship, even online, pains me. Because this person still has so much to offer and I really like them.

So my heart is heavy.

Some days are good and I'm not affected by it, some days it weighs on me.

Like today.

With the rain only a drizzle, to make things sticky and uncomfortable. Not a hard rain, that soaks and washes away. Cleanses and refreshes.

A pathetic drizzle that simply coats, clings. The grime sticking to everything.

An acceptable compromise to me at the moment is to pull back even further. I tried lurking. It isn't working. So I'm pulling off most of my lists with the exception of a couple where I am not well known. There I will lurk and read, responding only directly to the author. Maybe even dip into a smaller fandom.

I know I keep saying that. [grins] I can rip -real- bandaids off. Just not emotional ones.

Of course I will stay active in writing and with my friends that I have since being online. Although I'm afraid they will fall by the wayside once I am no longer on the lists with them to interact, but that is a chance I am taking.

No decision is without risk.

My new look
Wednesday, September 25, 2002
11:20 a.m.

Well, sort of anyway.

Just screwing around and thought I would change some things up.

Still needs a bit of work, but I'm running out of time to do it. Trying to work on this and do other things at home tends to keep my attention from the stuff I really like to do. I guess I could have waited until the weekend, but then...well...other things would occupy my attention.

So a quick upload and a quick entry is all I can do now, since I'm at work.

A good friend
Monday, September 23, 2002
10:19 a.m.

God, I love bear!

Thank you thank you thank you bear, for finding a saved copy of my Jin Roh stuff. I owe you. Big time owe you!

*~*~*~*~*

I went to a birthday party for a 6 year old this weekend. Drew's cousin's daughter celebrated her birthday with family. The little shit raked in the loot too! Mandy's birthday (the 15th) was spent at her father's, then this weekend was her mother's side of the family.

I was so bummed by not finding my web stuff for Jin Roh, I sulked. For 10 mintues. Then I was sucked into painting and coloring with Mandy. It was fun. I hadn't done that in ages! Sometimes you have to step out of your skin as an adult and let it all go.

But let me tell you, I'm not an artist. I'm not even color coordinated.

*~*~*~*~*

Can't say that anything else of importance went on, just lazed around.

Awwww FUCK!
Friday, September 20, 2002
10:17 a.m.

God damn it. Just GOD DAMN IT!

For months I've been working on a site for Jin Roh, this awesome movie (anime) that...is just awesome. One of my favorite movies of all time.

I've lost it. Every bit. the jpgs, the pages, the stuff I wrote. Gone. I can't find it anywhere.

I was so close to being able to get it up on the web, I've worked and reworked, tweaked and agonized over it, and its GONE!

JUST FUCKING DISAPPEARED!

No diskette. No saved on a harddrive. Nothing. Gone. Completely. When I get home I will hope like HELL that I at least saved -somewhere- all the images I had gone to the great trouble of scanning, resizing and cleaning up. Although at this point I don't hold out much hope.

FUCK!

What a shitty way to begin my weekend.

it feels good
banging my head on the wall-
but doesn't help much
to alleviate feelings
of impotent frustration

Idiot...IDIOT...IDIOT!

Sad, but true
Tuesday, September 17, 2002
12:02 p.m.

You know, I'm not much of a friend if I don't catch when a friend is in need and be there when they need me.

I would say that it is a failing of mine, but I don't know. I do know that I'm clumsy in times like that. I don't know what to do or say. So I sit silently, suffering along with my friends, but never knowing what to say to them.

Cissy. I'm sorry for your loss. I've never owned a pet. Never had time for one, so this is truly one of those times where I don't know what to say. And I'm sorry it has taken me this long to even say anything at all. I would have sent this in an email, but I'm at work and things being such as they are, I have no email access. Poor excuses, but there they are. You've been a good friend to me and stood by me at a time when I needed it most. And I dropped the ball to repay in kind. I'm sorry.

Monday, Monday
Monday, September 16, 2002
11:46 a.m.

It's Monday.

It's raining.

And I am wishing I were anywhere but at work. This is the kind of weather to be tucked up under your favorite blanket (or body), a cup of hot chocolate in hand, with all the lights off in the room, the blinds open to watch the heavy rain clouds release their load, and listen to the rain as it patters on the leaves outside the window.

*~*~*

haiku for bear:

the banana says
"peanut butter jelly time"
i dance with him

*~*~*

I'm a Pansy. The bloom of thought. Thoughts are my haven. I prefer solitude and quiet places so I can ponder uninterrupted. What bloom are you? by Polly_Snodgrass

[laughs] Usually no one calls me a pansy and walks away without a bump somewhere on their head.

I guess these quizzes all depend on your mood, huh?

[laughs]
Sunday, September 15, 2002
08:36 p.m.

Because I'm feeling pervy tonight.

Your Secret Fetish Is Anal Sex!

As Howard Stern says, you're into "third input sex."
Maybe you're a giver or a receiver, but chances are that you are both.
Ever heard of Bend Over Boyfriend? Go check it out at your local adult video store.
And if you haven't even tried anal... Oh my god... What are you waiting for???

What's *Your* Secret Fetish? Click Here to Find Out!

And this surprises us?

Watch out for the persistant popup ads [grins]

Sometimes it's the little things...
Friday, September 13, 2002
02:21 p.m.

Two posts in one day, but I finished this haiku and had to share it.

I was late getting into work so I had to skip running and hope to do it tonight.

But as I was heading out to my truck, I saw a squirrel twitching on the ground. At first I thought something was wrong with him, so I approached quietly.

And was quite delighted in what I saw. It was nothing I had ever seen before.

leaves in the wind
tumble, spiral, tossle, fall -
a squirrel and his stick

The little squirrel was playing with a stick! This stick had to be at least his length from nose to tailtip. And he was having a high time with it.

I've seen squirrels play. Mostly they play chase with each other. Sometimes it's mating, sometimes, I suspect it isn't, but just plain fun.

Much better, thank you.
Friday, September 13, 2002
12:35 p.m.

I guess what my problem was...stress.

I was stressed about starting college. I don't feel like a college student, you know?

Why would I be so stressed about it? Because I've never done anything like this before. I have no idea what to expect or what to do. I went to a votech school out of high school. I don't know anything about being a college student. I'm not even sure I'm cut out for this. I was surprised when I passed the entrance exams and not being forced to take the remediation classes.

I'm taking two classes this term. English and Anthropology. I had the first classes this week. I can't say whether they will be good classes or not (as I keep getting asked) simply because I have nothing to compare it to.

Last night, I went to have coffee with a couple of people in my Anthropology class. One lady I met during my entrance tests. They were all older students, going to school late in life like me. So at least I'm not surrounded by a lot of 18 yr old hormones. I would go crazy!

I feel like I am in way over my head. Everyone at the table was talking all their smart stuff and the energy was really high, but I couldn't get the tongue to work properly and they kept talking over me, so I just sipped my coffee and nodded. It's all a bit overwhelming. But I guess I'll survive. I've survived worse...

To top all this off I'm going to miss two weeks worth of classes (great, more stress) because the company is sending me to Asbestos classes in October. I suppose I shouldn't complain too much, at least they are paying for it.

i have issues. but i also recognise this fact and do what i can to resolve those issues. i may have spent a long time letting those issues control me, but now i'm ready to take the upper hand and wonder about the world around me. i'm getting to be well-balanced, but i'm not quite there yet.
how mad are you?
this quiz was made by piksy

none to speak of
Tuesday, September 10, 2002
12:40 p.m.

Have you ever been so weary that you don't have energy to do much of anything?

That is pretty much where I'm at right now.

I'm back from vacation, sure. And I did get quite a bit of rest while away.

But the weariness I'm talking about is of the soul.

Ah well.

True?
Monday, September 9, 2002
11:25 a.m.

[laughs]

find your poetry style
this quiz was made by mamaslyth

I picked this quiz up from Ash's LJ site.

*~*~*

Somehow, somewhere, I picked up comet cursors on my computer at home. [laughs] Sounds like I picked up a virus. It's not like I asked for them. I hate the damn things. I only found them when I ran Ad-aware on my computer at home. Why do those things seem to pop up at the most inopportune moments? What is so attractive about those things? They are just annoying to me.

*~*~*

I've come up with a couple of really good ideas for fics that I'm furiously writing, hoping to get them done before the creative energy leaves. Unfortunately the subject isn't pleasant and I'm not sure how well received they will be.

Not that it affects my writing them. The fics are inside me, chewing their way out, and I can do nothing less than get them down. And for some reason I seem to be channeling them through Duo. Poor Duo gets abused again.

*~*~*

I'm working on completely revamping my sites. I want a change. I've hit on an idea. I just hope they aren't too stupid. But I like what I've come up with so far. It is sort of in keeping with my mood left over from my vacation.

Wanderer's Return
Sunday, September 8, 2002
10:47 a.m.

We've made it back, safe and sound. Got in late last night.

Drew and I went on vacation for two weeks. Our trip took us on a tour through Virginia, North and South Carolina, Georgia, Alabama and Tennessee.

verdant treetops
dance under dusky clouds
fat water drops

Some of it was sight seeing/tourist stuff, some of it was to spend time with my sister Renee who is pregnant and is due the first week in November and the rest was spent, just me and Drew in a cabin in the mountains of Tennessee.

I've never been on a real vacation before. Not anything like this anyway.

I didn't get much writing done, just a few haikus while at Renee's. Most of the time was spent helping Frank fix up the baby's room. They live in an old farm house that Frank is trying to refurbish. It looks good. He is taking his time and making sure to do it right.

floorboards creak
old house awakens slowly
fried bacon

wubble bear reclines
on colorful garden quilts
cedar and mothballs

The rest of the time there was good I suppose. Some tense moments but not anything I couldn't handle. Mostly involving my sister Susan. Bad history there and it's still a bit rough.

heavy summer air
distant thunder grumbles
like my mood

[laughs] I certainly didn't have any time to write while in the cabin. While I'm sure Gatlinburg Tennessee was a beautiful town, the only thing we saw the entire time was the spectacular view of the valley from the hot tub on the back balcony, or me and Drew in various positions, all over the cabin, occasionally even in the bed!

pulse beats rhythmically
bearing us heavenward,
eagle cry

So much went on and at the same time, not much went on.

I did a lot of thinking about my involvement on the lists and the degree to which I will devote my energy to them. I'm still undecided. A part of me still wants to stay closely involved, but the other part of me doesn't want to handle or deal with all the stupid crap that goes on. I guess I'll have to just see and take it one day at a time.